Dad

20 minutes well spent: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

dad, i love you. i'm sure you think it's lack of character that made me walk out today, but it isn't. life is just too short for me to continue to hear the same stuff that i've heard forever about what a terrible person i am. truth is, at times i'm a terrible person. i don't have the tools to handle a conversation with you. for the longest time i accepted that *I* really was the problem, but you know, if you think about it honestly, that it's not just me.

alex is a wonderful guy. he never wants you to see his children. many of his parenting decisions are in fact based on how to NOT do what you did.

I'm a bit past that and yet I still literally make decisions based on how I was raised and what worked and what didn't. I lived in a home where you lived for at least a few years before you left, but he didn't.

I wrote this in my private blog and haven't shown anyone cuz it sounds kinda creepy:

(hitting send so i don't lose this, but more is coming)

I remember my dad singing. I remember how I felt in his warm arms watching the campfire with those popping sparks chasing away the dark with the rush of the ocean waves not too far away. I remember the growling tone coming from within his chest as the echoes vibrated against my little body.his love for me was visceral. I felt safe. I felt loved. I was content.I have finally come to that level of contentment. full circle.

triggered by the dwarf song in the hobbit.

heck, you even hated camping.

just a couple days ago we were playing elvira and neil diamond on you tube talking about how you could do that deep thing with your voice.

We have a lot of problems right now. You are working on 60... I have been sick my entire life and now I have two T1D, all three are bleeders, and Anthony even had Hep-C!

Life is just too short for me to keep track of pettiness. I'm tired of games of who says what to whom. I won't be able to invite you to the table next time Logan is with us because I have agreed with Alex not to let it happen again.

You were a terrible father.

You were also a wonderful father.

Both can be true.

(Dr Who said so)

T and B have never accepted my friend requests in Facebook. There were problems for years that I tried to work through with you where the only result was lost time. I'm truly happy. I think I even have an understanding of some of this mental illness stuff that could be helpful to others - perhaps even you. But it starts with recognizing that it isn't about right or wrong.

it's kinda funny - i lived so much believing that things were black and white. only to discover grey... and then as I understand mental illness even better I have come to see technocolor.

And I have now found contentment to the level of feeling the ultraviolet rays that don't even fit in the visible color spectrum.

A lot of that comes from simply recognizing that I can't fix people. The best I can do is help people to better understand what's going on - and when I say "people" I am pretty much talking about the boys, jason, mom, and alex.

I don't have enough life left to spend it fighting.

'mental illness' is the label. it's only a disability when we don't have the tools to overcome it. i'm discovering these tools with my kids - it's actually been kinda fun.

they were excited to see you. i was excited to see you.

I love you =)

TMZ QED

I think this blog puts me in the TMZ chapter of my life.

They totally recognize the alleged 'truth', look at the setting of each situation, address both the expected reverence and complete insanity of each segment, ultimately identify what the expected response will be, only to the end up with a 'life is too short to stand still' conclusion.

I thought about whether or not this is a cry for help or cry for attention only to quickly realize how very few ppl have gone to as many lengths as I to avoid attention.

Like I seriously think I have a phobia. I'm seriously afraid I would piss off everyone if they knew me.

I can not tell you how many situations I make worse because I over explain.  It seems like I need a constant disclaimer/explanation for why what I just said won't be understood as I intended to the extent that the explanation causes such a fog around what hadn't been misunderstood that it is now to be misunderstood.

QED

Q.E.D. is an initialism of the Latin phrase quod erat demonstrandum, originating from the Greek analogous hóper édei deîxai (ὅπερ ἔδει δεῖξαι), meaning "which had to be demonstrated". The phrase is traditionally placed in its abbreviated form at the end of a mathematical proof orphilosophical argument when what was specified in the enunciation — and in the setting-out — has been exactly restated as the conclusion of the demonstration.^[1] The abbreviation thus signals the completion of the proof.

Living as 'me', morally upright and socially forth coming (as I was when I came back from Japan), didn't last 12 months before I got kicked out of my childhood home for getting high on caffeine and buying an Amiga.

I have trust issues.

I trust ppl to be human (make mistakes) while failing to remember that more often than not being human is what makes life worth living.

How do we get Tony to have a meaningful relationship with his kids?

So let's talk about Tony.

I fell in love with Tony at 18. Knight in shining armor. I've been careful over these last years to tell the boys that I truly love their father and we had many good years together despite having many bad times directly resulting from Tony's emotional outbursts. (eg. Tony beat me.) We watched the Doctor Who episode with the sunflower dude (whose name escapes me at the moment) [van Gough!] where the Doctor explained to Amy that the 'bad stuff' doesn't take away from the 'good stuff' pile. We've watched Dr. Phil episodes that seemed relevant - especially a couple about DID. So I have succeeded in making sure they KNOW they are loved by him and in fact they simplify it at times, in their own words, that he loves them enough to stay away from them.

So now they are 11 and remarkably well adjusted considering our problems over the years. They are on the verge of being able to go down to the park and just hang out with him - even without supervision.

Once again, after not seeing them for "two Christmases", I successfully manipulate his girlfriend into getting Tony to see his kids and it lasts all of two visits before he just doesn't even tell them again that the visit they thought was happening just didn't.

They come home from the first visit excited that he's going to be in their life again and then he just doesn't participate all the while complaining that I don't let him contact the kids.

• [From kid's acct because someone has to actually check to see that Tony hasn't said anything and boys have been grounded off 'fun' computer stuff]
  

  
  
  

  why haven't you even acknowledged to the kids that you missed visitation? i don't understand. what should i tell them?

  'well, guys - your dad was definitely online and 'green' but he ignored me when i asked him what's up.'...?

  is there an actual reason that you are unable to communicate with your kids? why not send an 'i love you' on their wall? or something... you post other stuff...
• 
  

  [Tony]
  

  
  
  

  If you wish to speak to me email me. Do not use the boys' accounts.
• 
  

  [Kid's acct]
  

  
  
  

  too late.. i did. and the conversation will delete since i don't like them to see how much work it is to get you to demonstrate even the tiniest amount of love to them.

  i msged you in gchat... still waiting.

  [Tony]

  Email only. I will not participate in phone, text, or IM conversations with you.

  
  

  [Me]

  fine - so what's your hang up?

  
  

  [Tony]

  Yes I could have contacted them on Easter. But to be honest you have denied me contact for so long that to me holidays are just another day. It was not an intentional slight. The same goes for "speaking" with them on Facebook. I very rarely carry on conversations with anyone through their FB pages. If I do speak with someone it is through FB IM, so again it's not a habit, so I forget. And after you told Tori they would not be allowed to see their pages I saw no reason post in the last couple of days. As for visitation. I did not miss anything. We do not have set visitations, and I told the boys at the last two that they may not be as frequent as we would all like.  I am working with Trevor to set up another visit. If they are available next Tuesday I would love to spend some time with them.

  
  
  

  [Me]

  Please cut and paste where I told Tori that that you wouldn't be allowed to see their pages.

  
  

  And when did I EVER prevent you from contacting them? I have been more understanding than most at trying to keep contact between you and them current. You have never initiated a visit. Ever. Ever. Ever. Including now - so you can tell yourself and whichever peers are stupid enough to believe you, but in Oregon there is no way I could prevent you from seeing them if I tried.

  
  

  Of course you would know that if you bothered to just look at their pages.

  
  

  Frankly, by now you could have unsupervised visitation... if you did ANYTHING to demonstrate any kind of effort....

  
  

  BTW, the boys facebook accts are mine. Just like the Founder's dog's account. And again, they were set up so that they could have unlimited vaguely supervised access to talk to YOU after you refused to participate in visits. Why you aren't using this while you are complaining about not seeing them... I fail to understand.

  
  

  So what's the problem with you talking to them on Facebook? Why are you not utilizing the tools you have and then blaming me when I ask you why you aren't using them?

  
  

Of course there is no response from him... But I invite him to comment here. I sent him a link and look forward to meaningful conversation.

What's the worst that can happen? He won't talk to me? He won't talk to his kids?

Another blog of interest to him is below.

http://questingfornirvana.endingthesilence.me/

More than an hour after I sent the first message...

[Tony]
I just spoke with Trevor. He is available next Tuesday at 4:00pm. If you insist on posting our conversations I will end all direct contact with you and simply go through a third party.

[Me]
AWESOME! please do. Directly through the kids... ON FACEBOOK since they are tweens and don't need a bunch of unsupervised access to anyone, frankly

however, i do plan on trying to help sort through this mental illness stuff more publicly because it's important to your kids and my kids who happen to still be the same kids so it will be increasingly public and I sincerely hope you will help your boys avoid the potholes we fell in.

I told Tony when David was diagnosed with T1D in 7/2012 that I never wanted to talk to him again and please just message the kids directly.  I feel like I just got what I wanted. The kids have a visit planned and he doesn't want to talk with me - perfect!

He doesn't need a third party to tell his kids he loves them. He needs to do it on his own using the tools he has. Or they need to unfriend him so that his updates aren't a reminder to the life he is choosing to live without them.

What else can I do?

PS. This is Oregon. I personally know someone who went into hiding because a judge ordered her to take her daughter to jail to visit with the man who was in jail for raping her.

Anyone telling you that they don't have access to their kids is lying. They haven't tried.

[Tony]
Please send the blog invite to my other account ___@gmail.

[Me]
you don't need an invite... just log in whatever acct you want to comment from.

you KNOW me. I might be stubborn, persistent, and blunt, but I truly love these kids and I am truly trying to do what is best for them.

I assume Tori misinformed you because I did chat with her about unfriending the kids because it pains them to see your updates when you are ignoring them months/years at a time. But I didn't, because I am TRYING to facilitate a meaningful relationship with them that does NOT include me.

I want them to say 'hey mom, dad is going to be at chavez on tuesday at 4 with trevor, can we go?' and i simply say 'yes'.

the answer is yes, btw, but they can ask me still because I'm trying to set up a pattern that can continue.

comment or not on either of the blogs, I don't care - they are for the benefit of your children.

Yes, I'm crazy

I'm going to write this with the cop out that I just won't post it later. That way I can be cathartic without having to worry about the consequences. Because yes, I am THAT crazy.

It's hard to imagine anyone understanding this, but I'm going to try to explain it anyway. It'll take days to organize these thoughts - so expect things out of order.

It is easier to die for your children than it is to live for them.

I watched Dr. Phil as he talked with a woman who had spent so much money and gave her heart to this man she'd never met that despite all proof to the contrary, she had to go down with the proverbial ship. Most people would think her crazy not to just admit she's wrong. Fewer others understand that when you BELIEVE in something THAT MUCH you have to go down with the ship. I'm a level crazy beyond even that. I'm the step of crazy where I BELIEVE THAT MUCH and yet I still gave it up because I want so earnestly to help my children that I am "that crazy" and trying to live in a world of people who don't realize how many layers of translation I have to go through to get even close to the level of recognizing it's "crazy not to just admit she's wrong."

It's easier to see it as crazy once you have proof to the contrary, but aren't all those women in the same position who didn't make it onto Dr. Phil also leaning on the crazy side simply with lack of evidence that he did exist?

Do I comment here on how obviously the man pretending to be said man exists?

Probably shouldn't, but this is about being transparent about how I think, so here it stays.

Now the leap that will alienate most everyone...leaving my blog unread and me friend-less. But since I seem to get along with no one other than Jason and my poor children, who have no choice, that's probably better - even though it feels like it isn't.

What if 'that man' were God. Or at least your understanding of Him/Her/It.

Back to Her.  If she was enjoying her relationship with that guy would it be that bad?

But she's giving him money! We give money to strangers all the time?! We even donate to causes that we probably shouldn't because we didn't take the time to investigate them. How is this really different? 

Tithe is usually thought of as a 'rule' rather than 'suggestion'. Then there are the missionaries. Then there are the kid camps. But the point is that it's just a matter of 'how much' not 'if'.

I like to think that 'most' of the world is religious because I've come to understand the importance of church for community, but either way there is a hostility that exists between varieties. Just as an example, it is probably true that most people have an opinion about creation. Was there a higher power who influenced us in some way? Or was it as simple as winning the cosmic Powerball? The word "evolution" means something different to so many different groups that it is meaningless to me, but it seems that very few religious people aren't passionate about the Creationism v Evolution argument despite 'proof' to the contrary.

Would you give up your religion for your kids?

I did.

I understand that for most people getting divorced was the obvious 'right' and inevitable choice. When it became a matter of my children's safety, it became obvious to me as well. I say that tritely, but I must say that it wasn't immediately obvious to me... ever. To get there, I had to learn to filter life. I look at things that happen and ask myself, "What would that look like on the news?" It wasn't until I realized that my story was no different than those I watched not so infrequently of men who killed their family then themselves that I finally began to look at things at home differently.

I recognize that I am crazy so despite truly seeing these extreme things that others don't see, I am trying to filter them in a meaningful way. I realized that when "no one understands" something it means that I should look at it twice to see if my filter missed something.

I'm "emotionally dyslexic". I kinda liked that term at first and then thought, "...But *I* make SENSE" and was immediately ashamed.

I remember THAT time when Gregory had put the sky on the bottom frequently enough that I began to be concerned. Imagine sitting there innocently drawing only to learn you did it 'wrong'. We would hold it up to the outside to help him learn which end of the paper the sky should be. So many years later and he still struggles, (imagine for a moment how this affects his T1D!) but I thank God that I have had this opportunity to school him from home so that I could see just how smart he is academically!  What a wonderful blessing it has been that he's been oblivious to all the stress he caused me as I learned how to see things from his perspective.

Now, I feel like the mom of that 'challenged' child who I could never empathize with before as she teared up about how fortunate it is that God took her down this arduous journey that she wouldn't have wanted to be on if asked.

Oh, well.

I can also empathize with that old person who has a 'knowing smile' that no one else understands.

For the record, I choose to believe in a Protestant Christian God. That's another long story, but there is an important distinction between "choosing for oneself" and "requiring oneself" that sane people probably don't get.

So I guess I should get to the point.

I'm crazy.

I understand you probably aren't, and I applaud you!

I understand that there is a balance between 'public' and 'private'. I understand that you are probably much better at balancing this than I am.

Here's my problem. I'm crazy and I know it. (Hear the music?) And in order to make people comfortable, I have had to compromise on stuff that I would have never done knowingly except that I keep getting caught up in this private v public game.

I gave up my religion for my kids.

Giving up my pride should be easier.

I am now going to give up on this public v private thing so that perhaps my children have a better chance than I did of mastering this game called "Life".

It's kinda simple: Don't read what I write if you don't want to, but please respect me at least for doing what I believe is right for our healthier future.

Love came with chains

Dr. Lawless' anxiety book starts with a story whereby a young girl is molested and mistakenly learns to associate love with abuse.

Perhaps I'm just too good (or is that bad?) with the analogies, but I strongly believe that in my family we also learned to associate love with abuse. Not sexual abuse, but violence. Physical abuse and the words that reinforced secrecy and self contempt. I used to think that abusers were 'bad guys' and found that inconsistent with the love also shown which mislabeled that violence in my own mind as a required tool of love.

You don't let loved ones make mistakes. Right?

I have figured out now that sometimes mistakes are like a seizure.

You have to let it run its course.  More damage can be done holding a seizing

patient still than if you simply move away anything especially dangerous and wait.

I came back from Japan on an emotional high. I came back ready to take on the world - to advocate for the weak. I had experienced homes where there was no yelling - no violence. I was smart. I was strong. I was ready to take on the world.

My grandpa died believing my junior year abroad was the worst thing that had happened to me.

Then again, he also thought Tony was an excellent husband and father.

After my dad chased me around town with his car I went to the courthouse at 17 to get a restraining order against him only to be turned away because my mother would have to file for me.  She was too scared of him. He threatened to take my younger three siblings because obviously if mom was unfit to care for me she was unfit to care for them as well.

The worst thing my mom ever did was give up on me for them.

I understand now, and forgave her long ago.

What did I do to deserve that level of contempt from my dad? He believed I was making bad decisions and he was going to force me to make good ones. What was that bad decision?

McKay was going to put me into detention because over the semester, I had accumulated a few tardys coming back from  helping teach Japanese over at North High. I was told by the administrator to forge my mothers name on a slip to avoid detention. I refused.

I had signed her name numerous times before

when I was getting two IVs a week 

and just walked over to KP and walked right back.

But I was trying to be morally upright and

fraud seemed to fall under the 'bad stuff' column.

I told them they could call her and she'd excuse me, or even to call North High. It was only on some of the rainy days that I was late riding my bike back, but my mother wasn't with me. I was on my bike. How would I possibly have her signature? Surely, they could call her or let me bring a note the next day.

No. Despite my impressive unblemished academic record, I would be receiving detention.

Then I found out I could drop out. I couldn't sign myself in, but I could sign myself out. Permanently. I figured I would just finish up high school at the college.

Why did my dad threaten to show up at my college classes to 'get' me and force me back?

His threats worked. I didn't show up at my college class. I was scared. I didn't stay at home, I couch-hopped. I think they call it couch-surfing now.

Embarrassing story. There is more to it for sure. I had initiated a relationship with him when I came back from Japan. I was arrogant enough to believe I was strong enough in who I was that I could handle who he was and it would only change me for the better.

The 'straw that broke the camel's back' was my Amiga. As a conversation point I had asked him for advice: Do I buy the $500 IBM or the $200 Amiga. It is important to note that I was using my own money. I had been working before I even went to Japan and had no trouble finding employment when I came back. While in Japan I had become accustomed to keeping my own supplies separate so at this point, whether or not he was paying child support (always a point of contention) wasn't even relevant to me. I was just waiting to go to NNC in the Fall. Dad advised me to buy the IBM. I bought the Amiga. There was no ill intent. I was not being rebellious. I simply chose the cheaper option since the school had a computer lab. I could save text files on the Amiga and it played cool music. For me it was a choice. For him it was disrespect.

The point is that he loved me enough to force me to do things his way.

Of course that didn't work.  All he did was force me away from the people who loved me and into the arms of someone who said he would protect me.  Add my first lost pregnancy and 'til death do we part' and how could my life have gone any other way?

Love came with chains.

The only way to break those chains was to give up my identity...my religion.

Thank God I eventually did.

remind me

We still aren't done figuring out the simple stuff.  When we do, we should consider using this gal as a coach. I've been very impressed with various videos I've seen of hers in recent months.  If I've learned anything in these last stressful months it's that our Cindy's Kids Guild (aka the people I love and for whom I am responsible) tend to make better choices when someone outside the family says something.

aka simple accountability to someone other than me

I used to feel guilty for reading non-fiction that I agreed with. Preferably, I'd find myself watching, reading, or listening to something that I disagreed with to challenge my convictions.

Eventually, it worked. How else does one garner the strength to give up their religion for the safety and sanity of their children?

But now, I think I need to find resources that reinforce my new convictions so that I can teach my children how to better weather the inevitable storms that life brings.

Good resources included Dr. Phil, Dr. Lawless, Dr. Grandin, Ms. Kranowitz (M.A.), Pastor Trevor, Ms. Back (M.something), recently added Pastor Josh, and now I want to explore Ginger Vieira as a new resource.

http://living-in-progress.com/2012/06/coaching/

My kids are worth it.

Anxiety is scary. Perhaps that goes without saying.

It's a lot of work to just get up and fake genkiness when the very first waking thought I have is about how much pain my 'girl problems' have me in and how much harder things will be without medical insurance.

It's amazing how I've spent my entire post-puberty life with 'bleeding problems' only to finally get long term help  April 2011 and instead find myself with no bleeding problems, but constant pain instead.

My kids are worth it.

Yesterday, the biggest task we accomplished was writing a list for 'How to do Dishes'.

David didn't get stitches to get out of doing dishes, but Anthony sure believes he did. ADHD-proofing protocol #7 says to break tasks down. I'm sincerely hoping that Anthony will be able to master dishes with his 30-some step procedure sheet.

Why was David in charge of dishes? "Kiwi"
Why isn't Gregory in charge of dishes? Cuz he's not ready and we need to be able to eat off them.

Although later last night, with rice crispy treats as a motivator, the boys proved that making them work together to finish a Quick Check with a perfect score might not be so far away from possible.

Anthony has been sleeping on the enclosed front porch. Last night I slept through the late night checks and today I woke Anthony and found the outside front door completely unlocked. Especially with insurance ending, I need to teach rather than do. This morning I've already created a Late Night Check List that will be posted in the Q4N blog.

It's a lot of work to not be dramatic about how much that scares me. [Elizabeth Smart?!]

This morning Anthony was melting down about not wanting breakfast. I asked him, "Anthony, what can I do to make you happy?" We were able to find something that he would want to eat and he seems to be happy. He's even moved on to nagging me about going to the library and how he's going to wait til his brothers are done eating to do dishes. [WOW!] I need to practice what I preach and listen more often.

The problem is that when you give your kids what they want all the time, you end up with spoiled brats. I've tried to explain to my boys that I WANT to spoil them, but I am limited to spoiling them only to the point just before 'bratiness' starts. The better they behave, the more I can give them what they want. Of course they are 11, so it's really hard to not be bratty.

One way or the other it really is going to be okay.

2001 and still counting

I am sorting through the crazy in my life. I'm invested in being blunt so that my children, born in 2001, might have the opportunity to make new and exciting mistakes rather than the same ones I've made.

A few excellent resources we continue to use are listed below.

I intend to invite others to participate with this discussion as much or little as their interests and own lives allow, but truly hope to offend no one.

I will be posting previously private blog entries and will probably reference our ADHD-proofing blog: http://questingfornirvana.endingthesilence.me/.


The Out of Sync Child
http://www.amazon.com/The-Out---Sync-Child-Recognizing/dp/0399531653/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364341644&sr=8-1&keywords=out+of+sync+child

Driven to Distraction
http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364341685&sr=1-1&keywords=driven+to+distraction

Delivered from Distraction
http://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Life Code
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Code-Rules-Winning-World/dp/0985462736/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364341785&sr=1-1&keywords=life+code

Temple Grandin
http://www.amazon.com/Temple-Grandin-Claire-Danes/dp/B0038M2AZA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364342992&sr=8-1&keywords=temple+grandin