I'm going to write this with the cop out that I just won't post it later. That way I can be cathartic without having to worry about the consequences. Because yes, I am THAT crazy.
It's hard to imagine anyone understanding this, but I'm going to try to explain it anyway. It'll take days to organize these thoughts - so expect things out of order.
It is easier to die for your children than it is to live for them.
I watched Dr. Phil as he talked with a woman who had spent so much money and gave her heart to this man she'd never met that despite all proof to the contrary, she had to go down with the proverbial ship. Most people would think her crazy not to just admit she's wrong. Fewer others understand that when you BELIEVE in something THAT MUCH you have to go down with the ship. I'm a level crazy beyond even that. I'm the step of crazy where I BELIEVE THAT MUCH and yet I still gave it up because I want so earnestly to help my children that I am "that crazy" and trying to live in a world of people who don't realize how many layers of translation I have to go through to get even close to the level of recognizing it's "crazy not to just admit she's wrong."
It's easier to see it as crazy once you have proof to the contrary, but aren't all those women in the same position who didn't make it onto Dr. Phil also leaning on the crazy side simply with lack of evidence that he did exist?
Do I comment here on how obviously the man pretending to be said man exists?
Probably shouldn't, but this is about being transparent about how I think, so here it stays.
Now the leap that will alienate most everyone...leaving my blog unread and me friend-less. But since I seem to get along with no one other than Jason and my poor children, who have no choice, that's probably better - even though it feels like it isn't.
What if 'that man' were God. Or at least your understanding of Him/Her/It.
But she's giving him money! We give money to strangers all the time?! We even donate to causes that we probably shouldn't because we didn't take the time to investigate them. How is this really different?
Tithe is usually thought of as a 'rule' rather than 'suggestion'. Then there are the missionaries. Then there are the kid camps. But the point is that it's just a matter of 'how much' not 'if'.
I like to think that 'most' of the world is religious because I've come to understand the importance of church for community, but either way there is a hostility that exists between varieties. Just as an example, it is probably true that most people have an opinion about creation. Was there a higher power who influenced us in some way? Or was it as simple as winning the cosmic Powerball? The word "evolution" means something different to so many different groups that it is meaningless to me, but it seems that very few religious people aren't passionate about the Creationism v Evolution argument despite 'proof' to the contrary.
Would you give up your religion for your kids?
I did.
I understand that for most people getting divorced was the obvious 'right' and inevitable choice. When it became a matter of my children's safety, it became obvious to me as well. I say that tritely, but I must say that it wasn't immediately obvious to me... ever. To get there, I had to learn to filter life. I look at things that happen and ask myself, "What would that look like on the news?" It wasn't until I realized that my story was no different than those I watched not so infrequently of men who killed their family then themselves that I finally began to look at things at home differently.
I recognize that I am crazy so despite truly seeing these extreme things that others don't see, I am trying to filter them in a meaningful way. I realized that when "no one understands" something it means that I should look at it twice to see if my filter missed something.
I'm "emotionally dyslexic". I kinda liked that term at first and then thought, "...But *I* make SENSE" and was immediately ashamed.
I remember THAT time when Gregory had put the sky on the bottom frequently enough that I began to be concerned. Imagine sitting there innocently drawing only to learn you did it 'wrong'. We would hold it up to the outside to help him learn which end of the paper the sky should be. So many years later and he still struggles, (imagine for a moment how this affects his T1D!) but I thank God that I have had this opportunity to school him from home so that I could see just how smart he is academically! What a wonderful blessing it has been that he's been oblivious to all the stress he caused me as I learned how to see things from his perspective.
Now, I feel like the mom of that 'challenged' child who I could never empathize with before as she teared up about how fortunate it is that God took her down this arduous journey that she wouldn't have wanted to be on if asked.
Oh, well.
I can also empathize with that old person who has a 'knowing smile' that no one else understands.
So I guess I should get to the point.
I'm crazy.
I understand you probably aren't, and I applaud you!
I understand that there is a balance between 'public' and 'private'. I understand that you are probably much better at balancing this than I am.
Here's my problem. I'm crazy and I know it. (Hear the music?) And in order to make people comfortable, I have had to compromise on stuff that I would have never done knowingly except that I keep getting caught up in this private v public game.
I gave up my religion for my kids.
Giving up my pride should be easier.
I am now going to give up on this public v private thing so that perhaps my children have a better chance than I did of mastering this game called "Life".
It's kinda simple: Don't read what I write if you don't want to, but please respect me at least for doing what I believe is right for our healthier future.
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