Dad

20 minutes well spent: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

dad, i love you. i'm sure you think it's lack of character that made me walk out today, but it isn't. life is just too short for me to continue to hear the same stuff that i've heard forever about what a terrible person i am. truth is, at times i'm a terrible person. i don't have the tools to handle a conversation with you. for the longest time i accepted that *I* really was the problem, but you know, if you think about it honestly, that it's not just me.

alex is a wonderful guy. he never wants you to see his children. many of his parenting decisions are in fact based on how to NOT do what you did.

I'm a bit past that and yet I still literally make decisions based on how I was raised and what worked and what didn't. I lived in a home where you lived for at least a few years before you left, but he didn't.

I wrote this in my private blog and haven't shown anyone cuz it sounds kinda creepy:

(hitting send so i don't lose this, but more is coming)

I remember my dad singing. I remember how I felt in his warm arms watching the campfire with those popping sparks chasing away the dark with the rush of the ocean waves not too far away. I remember the growling tone coming from within his chest as the echoes vibrated against my little body.his love for me was visceral. I felt safe. I felt loved. I was content.I have finally come to that level of contentment. full circle.

triggered by the dwarf song in the hobbit.

heck, you even hated camping.

just a couple days ago we were playing elvira and neil diamond on you tube talking about how you could do that deep thing with your voice.

We have a lot of problems right now. You are working on 60... I have been sick my entire life and now I have two T1D, all three are bleeders, and Anthony even had Hep-C!

Life is just too short for me to keep track of pettiness. I'm tired of games of who says what to whom. I won't be able to invite you to the table next time Logan is with us because I have agreed with Alex not to let it happen again.

You were a terrible father.

You were also a wonderful father.

Both can be true.

(Dr Who said so)

T and B have never accepted my friend requests in Facebook. There were problems for years that I tried to work through with you where the only result was lost time. I'm truly happy. I think I even have an understanding of some of this mental illness stuff that could be helpful to others - perhaps even you. But it starts with recognizing that it isn't about right or wrong.

it's kinda funny - i lived so much believing that things were black and white. only to discover grey... and then as I understand mental illness even better I have come to see technocolor.

And I have now found contentment to the level of feeling the ultraviolet rays that don't even fit in the visible color spectrum.

A lot of that comes from simply recognizing that I can't fix people. The best I can do is help people to better understand what's going on - and when I say "people" I am pretty much talking about the boys, jason, mom, and alex.

I don't have enough life left to spend it fighting.

'mental illness' is the label. it's only a disability when we don't have the tools to overcome it. i'm discovering these tools with my kids - it's actually been kinda fun.

they were excited to see you. i was excited to see you.

I love you =)