How do we get Tony to have a meaningful relationship with his kids?

So let's talk about Tony.

I fell in love with Tony at 18. Knight in shining armor. I've been careful over these last years to tell the boys that I truly love their father and we had many good years together despite having many bad times directly resulting from Tony's emotional outbursts. (eg. Tony beat me.) We watched the Doctor Who episode with the sunflower dude (whose name escapes me at the moment) [van Gough!] where the Doctor explained to Amy that the 'bad stuff' doesn't take away from the 'good stuff' pile. We've watched Dr. Phil episodes that seemed relevant - especially a couple about DID. So I have succeeded in making sure they KNOW they are loved by him and in fact they simplify it at times, in their own words, that he loves them enough to stay away from them.

So now they are 11 and remarkably well adjusted considering our problems over the years. They are on the verge of being able to go down to the park and just hang out with him - even without supervision.

Once again, after not seeing them for "two Christmases", I successfully manipulate his girlfriend into getting Tony to see his kids and it lasts all of two visits before he just doesn't even tell them again that the visit they thought was happening just didn't.

They come home from the first visit excited that he's going to be in their life again and then he just doesn't participate all the while complaining that I don't let him contact the kids.

• [From kid's acct because someone has to actually check to see that Tony hasn't said anything and boys have been grounded off 'fun' computer stuff]
  

  
  
  

  why haven't you even acknowledged to the kids that you missed visitation? i don't understand. what should i tell them?

  'well, guys - your dad was definitely online and 'green' but he ignored me when i asked him what's up.'...?

  is there an actual reason that you are unable to communicate with your kids? why not send an 'i love you' on their wall? or something... you post other stuff...
• 
  

  [Tony]
  

  
  
  

  If you wish to speak to me email me. Do not use the boys' accounts.
• 
  

  [Kid's acct]
  

  
  
  

  too late.. i did. and the conversation will delete since i don't like them to see how much work it is to get you to demonstrate even the tiniest amount of love to them.

  i msged you in gchat... still waiting.

  [Tony]

  Email only. I will not participate in phone, text, or IM conversations with you.

  
  

  [Me]

  fine - so what's your hang up?

  
  

  [Tony]

  Yes I could have contacted them on Easter. But to be honest you have denied me contact for so long that to me holidays are just another day. It was not an intentional slight. The same goes for "speaking" with them on Facebook. I very rarely carry on conversations with anyone through their FB pages. If I do speak with someone it is through FB IM, so again it's not a habit, so I forget. And after you told Tori they would not be allowed to see their pages I saw no reason post in the last couple of days. As for visitation. I did not miss anything. We do not have set visitations, and I told the boys at the last two that they may not be as frequent as we would all like.  I am working with Trevor to set up another visit. If they are available next Tuesday I would love to spend some time with them.

  
  
  

  [Me]

  Please cut and paste where I told Tori that that you wouldn't be allowed to see their pages.

  
  

  And when did I EVER prevent you from contacting them? I have been more understanding than most at trying to keep contact between you and them current. You have never initiated a visit. Ever. Ever. Ever. Including now - so you can tell yourself and whichever peers are stupid enough to believe you, but in Oregon there is no way I could prevent you from seeing them if I tried.

  
  

  Of course you would know that if you bothered to just look at their pages.

  
  

  Frankly, by now you could have unsupervised visitation... if you did ANYTHING to demonstrate any kind of effort....

  
  

  BTW, the boys facebook accts are mine. Just like the Founder's dog's account. And again, they were set up so that they could have unlimited vaguely supervised access to talk to YOU after you refused to participate in visits. Why you aren't using this while you are complaining about not seeing them... I fail to understand.

  
  

  So what's the problem with you talking to them on Facebook? Why are you not utilizing the tools you have and then blaming me when I ask you why you aren't using them?

  
  

Of course there is no response from him... But I invite him to comment here. I sent him a link and look forward to meaningful conversation.

What's the worst that can happen? He won't talk to me? He won't talk to his kids?

Another blog of interest to him is below.

http://questingfornirvana.endingthesilence.me/

More than an hour after I sent the first message...

[Tony]
I just spoke with Trevor. He is available next Tuesday at 4:00pm. If you insist on posting our conversations I will end all direct contact with you and simply go through a third party.

[Me]
AWESOME! please do. Directly through the kids... ON FACEBOOK since they are tweens and don't need a bunch of unsupervised access to anyone, frankly

however, i do plan on trying to help sort through this mental illness stuff more publicly because it's important to your kids and my kids who happen to still be the same kids so it will be increasingly public and I sincerely hope you will help your boys avoid the potholes we fell in.

I told Tony when David was diagnosed with T1D in 7/2012 that I never wanted to talk to him again and please just message the kids directly.  I feel like I just got what I wanted. The kids have a visit planned and he doesn't want to talk with me - perfect!

He doesn't need a third party to tell his kids he loves them. He needs to do it on his own using the tools he has. Or they need to unfriend him so that his updates aren't a reminder to the life he is choosing to live without them.

What else can I do?

PS. This is Oregon. I personally know someone who went into hiding because a judge ordered her to take her daughter to jail to visit with the man who was in jail for raping her.

Anyone telling you that they don't have access to their kids is lying. They haven't tried.

[Tony]
Please send the blog invite to my other account ___@gmail.

[Me]
you don't need an invite... just log in whatever acct you want to comment from.

you KNOW me. I might be stubborn, persistent, and blunt, but I truly love these kids and I am truly trying to do what is best for them.

I assume Tori misinformed you because I did chat with her about unfriending the kids because it pains them to see your updates when you are ignoring them months/years at a time. But I didn't, because I am TRYING to facilitate a meaningful relationship with them that does NOT include me.

I want them to say 'hey mom, dad is going to be at chavez on tuesday at 4 with trevor, can we go?' and i simply say 'yes'.

the answer is yes, btw, but they can ask me still because I'm trying to set up a pattern that can continue.

comment or not on either of the blogs, I don't care - they are for the benefit of your children.